Sometimes I Get Weird Ideas So Why Not Put Them All In One Place?
by YourAngstyNeighborhoodEmoTeen
Summary: This is where all my weirder stories would be posted, because... I don't know. I feels wasteful to just get rid of them, and maybe one day one of them will actually be something good that I'll be thankful for not deleting? The titled will state the characters involved so you can read at your own discretion.
1. Davesprite's CowboyBootSideburns & John

(Around the time of the multiple conversations update, I came to terms with the fact that Davesprite is dead in this timeline. So I drew some art of him, then I realized he was missing his sideburns. My friend referred to them as cowboy-boot sideburns... and I guess that's all there is to the inspiration story behind this.)

* * *

After a few hours of waiting John finally made his appearance before his long missed pals. He sauntered on through, waving and making a few polite comments to those he recognized before taking a seat between Kanaya and Rose.

John began, "So... hi everybody! It's been a long time since we've really gotten to know each other but I assume we're still pretty cool right?"

"Naturally," Rose chimed, followed by Karkat nodding in response.

"Alright! So I know I could never be caught up fully. But could someone try to brief me on some crucial stuff I may have missed?" John asked.

Rose went to speak but abruptly stopped and grimaced at the being behind John, Kanaya was unsure how to behave in such a situation.

John felt a hand grip his shoulder followed by a familiar voice, "Howdy y'all, well if'n yer lookin' for some info I'm all about that scene."

John looked behind him and saw Davesprite, he had a much more prominent accent than John had been expecting. John uttered a completely merited, "Holy shit."

Davesprite continued, "Now, 'f I reckon. Ya died on the golden ship here that-that there lassie lass was pilotin'," he pointed a neon orange finger to the sleeping Jade on the other side of the disc, "but no frettin' since yer clearly alright. Or at least a version of y'all selves is."

John cracked up at this, not even trying to hid the large smirk he was sporting as he snickered, "Rose where is Dave, this is the most literal thing that I could compare to gold."

The group went quiet for a moment, even Davesprite knew not to interrupt the silence. Rose decided to take the position of messenger, "David met an unfortunate end before he could ascend to godtier. We took the initiative to insure Davesprite could live on in his name, bringing him along for the meteor ride."

John processed this for a moment before looking sullen, "Oh... how did he die?"

Rose didn't have the heart to really say it so Kanaya decided it was her turn, "We Don't Really Like To Speak Of The Exact Instance In Which Dave Was Compromised, Sorry."

"That's s'alright," Davesprite piped up, "I don't mind 'splainin' them there circumstances one bit."

Rose glared at him, "What the hell, we just said-"

"If my recollection serves me c'rrect then 'm pretty sure 'e was crushed to death under a pile a' muppet like sex toys and suffocated beneath the large surplus of ass n' phallic on top of 'im," Davesprite stated bluntly.

"What the fuck," John said quietly but finished shouting, "Why would you tell me that?!"

"Thanks for trying to spare me from knowing the asinine truth Rose and... I don't remember your name sorry, Rose's plus one. Even if your efforts ended up in vain," John would've liked to remember Dave as the cool guy who didn't die under a mound of dildos or whatever Davesprite said.

John started up again, "I cannot believe that things supposed to honor my dead best friend, and it's nothing like Davesprite from my timeline. I don't get it!"

Rose finally spoke again, "Believe I am the most sincere that I could be when I say on our behalf, that we are so fucking sorry, John."

Davesprite offered up some more of his divine intellect to the nonexistent table, "Now don't y'all look so glum, I'll be stewin' up something awful tasty in the ol' crock-pot for supper tonight. Come on, who wants ta 'elp m'?"

"I want to die, can I be in the stew?" John said sarcastically, angsting off to the side.

Rose quickly responded, "John! Rude."

"You have the nerve to call me rude right now?" John responded a bit agitated.

"Sorry But That Was A Little Impolite Jonathan," Kanaya added in Rose's defense.

"I see no probl'm with it actu'lly," Davesprite chirped, then he narrowed his eyes.

"I'm not yer Dave, do it. Fuckin' do it Jonath'n," Davesprite said with malice.

John was a bit surprised but didn't want to express his shock, Davesprite took this as a green light and dragged John out behind the makeshift kitchen that had been set up. Davesprite tied John's hood around his hands, securing him before he used the rest of the elongated garment to gag him.

* * *

Rose looked down at the grey surface beneath her, studying the unique lines it sported as a distraction, Kanaya looked to her and spoke, "I Don't Think It Is Wise To Keep Letting Events Such As This Transpire Weekly, It Is Clearly Putting Us All Under Stress To Have Been Witnessing This For As Long As We Have."

Karkat had joined them shortly after seeing John get dragged off, "WE CAN'T KEEP LETTING HIM DO THIS SHIT! WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO COMPLETE THE GAME BECAUSE BIRD FUCKER OVER THERE INHERITED DAVE'S ODD HOBBY OF LIKING SHIT DEAD."

Rose looked up, "I know but, what can we do? If we bother him then Davesprite may crave all our blood once more. We've gotten him down to just harassing John, it's the best we can do in our situation."

"OR WE COULD JUST, KIND OF, YOU KNOW, KILL THE FUCKING MONSTER SO THE TIMELINE CAN GO ON NORMALLY. WE LITERALLY HAVE TO LET ONE JOHN LIVE AND THE LOOP WILL END."

"No!" Rose shouted, "I can't fucking lose him again, none of us could fucking handle that. Okay? Johns are expendable, Dave has never made a return, he's out of the loop now. It's fine, everything is fine. Just, let it go."

"ROSE-"

"Karkat, Hush, Now Open Your Eyes, Look Up To The Skies, And See," Kanaya placed a finger over Karkat's lips then recoiled after it made contact with his weird ass teeth.

John appeared in a haze of blue and slowly drifted down to the group, "So... hi everybody!"


	2. John And Jake Make A Cheeseburger

(Before you visually ingest whatever kind of literature based meal this is I want to establish that I don't have a food fetish but for anyone that does that is completely okay and I don't mean to poke fun at the kink. Just John and Jake's specific situation. So However you enjoy it, I'm glad you did. And if you all together hated it then... sorry it sucked for you I guess. Lastly, I dare someone to count the amount of times that two or more individuals make eye contact and post their number in the review. Just to see who was paying attention if any.)

* * *

John looked into Jake's eyes, Jake looked into John's eyes. John leaned in a bit closer, then back a bit shuffling around awkwardly on the ground next to Jake.

"Um, something on your mind, chum?" Jake interrupted the silence.

"Just... something was poking me over there," John responded.

"Probably my rocket," Jake stated, waggling his eyebrows something fierce.

"I don't see a rocket," John said bluntly.

"Look harder," Jake bluntly responded.

"Nope, nothing" John replied with a blank expression, he looked into Jake's eyes.

"Think _harder_ ," Jake said, looking into John's eyes, his eyebrows were practically on the brink of bursting into flame.

"Oh."

John warily connected sight to touch and lightly placed his hand on Jake's massive bulge, gently caressing it. John glanced at Jake to see how bad he was at this already, but Jake didn't seem too disturbed by the awkward touching. They kept focus on each others eyes.

"If you could, would you... eat green eggs and ham," Jake began.

"Um... I think I- uh, would like green eggs and ham maybe?" John stuttered, unsure if he was missing some kind of double entendre.

"Well, I know that if I could, " Jake leaned in and stuffed his nose into John's ear, then whispered "I **wood.** "

John blushed before curiously beginning to chew on Jake's hair, this is what it took to finally disturb Jake a little bit. He pushed John back lightly then they sat up together, curiously gazing at each other, looking for signs. They both saw them, and knew the time was right.

"Say John, I think I'm a little hungry," Jake cooed.

"Gotcha," John removed a chicken drumstick from his sylladex.

Jake frowned for a moment. "No, I mea- ," he stopped himself when he noticed John bringing the chicken closer for him.

John brought it up to Jake's face and carefully, rubbed it slowly down the side of Jake's face.

"I-is this okay?" John said with a quiver in his voice.

Jake blushed, "Yes, love."

With a bit more bravery now John spat on Jake's face, Jake closed his eyes but didn't recoil from John's actions. John wet the chicken with his tongue then smeared the greasy meat stick across Jake's face. Jake visibly tensed as the grease invaded his pores, probably giving him with weeks of horrendous acne to come. But John didn't care about that, his penis passed no judgments.

"Suck it," John said boldly, having become a bit more cocky.

Jake hungrily took the chicken leg into his mouth and chewed some of it but John quickly ripped it away from Jake to smack him in the face with it.

"Yeah you want it all in your mouth don't you, greedy slut," John said lovingly.

"Gimmi," Jake said in a naive tone.

John forcefully shoved the chicken into Jake's mouth, no grace was present in this action whatsoever. Jake bit in various directions at random intervals desperately trying to consume the poultry meat, keeping his eyes locked with John's the entire time.

Soon Jake had left John's stick dry to the bone.

They looked back into each other's eyes.

"Still hungry?" John asked, in the lowest sultry tone he can muster. It sounded like he had eaten a bag of rocks and they're weren't quite going down. Jake cringed, "Yes love... don't do that again."

"Yeah- wait... oh you mean that wasn't sexy-" Jake cuts him off knowing all too well what he will say from experience with Dirk, "No, it wasn't, don't try to be, you don't even have an accent, stop trying. Besides, I want your attention for this next bit. So just try to focus on how sexy _my_ voice is instead."

John sat back like an excited puppy, waiting eagerly for Jake to begin his show, "I just need you to do something for me first, love." John found his English accent ridiculously attractive, Jake was right, he couldn't compete with that. Jake leaned in and drooled into John's ear, making his cheeks redder, "I need all the ingredients to make a cheeseburger."

"I would do it but, I'm very **bad** ," Jake said lustfully, "I meant that for sexual purposes but also because I genuinely am terrible at spawning things with grist."

John sat still, after a minute he registered that Jake told him to do something. He makes quick work of spawning the essentials for cheeseburger creation. "... N-now what," John stuttered like a virgin because he is.

"Help me make a cheeseburger, you American," Jake spat the words out at John.

John grabbed the hamburger buns and scooted back over to Jake. The Englishman took hold of John's wrist like before and guided it to his godtier undergarment, then inserted the bun into his banana colored briefs.

"Lettuce continue, shall we?" Jake said alluringly. John nodded overeagerly and grabbed the ball of lettuce then looked to Jake for further instruction. "How much are you looking to um..." John gaze flashed to Jake's nether regions quickly then back to his face.

"However much you think we'll need," Jake said.

They looked into each other's eyes.

John began frantically ripping lettuce leaves and tossing them into Jake's lap, until he got down to the white core, then chucking it aside quickly and staring at Jake.

Their eyes meet, they relished looking into each other's.

Jake lustfully looked at John, not breaking contact as he took each individual leaf in hand and inserted it into his man panties in various spots.

"Want to put some toppings on these buns, Johnny boy?" Jake cooed questioningly.

"Oh, no thanks I never took much on my burgers," John responded blankly.

"What the he-... do you seriously think this is like some kind of drive-threw? Just tell me to shove my things in my underwear already," Jake snapped at John.

"Got it!" John piped up embarrassed, he looked around and picked up a slab of meat.

"Oh we don't need anymore dark meat love," Jake said casually.

John set the meat back down and looked at Jake questioningly.

For a solid minute, they stared into each other's eyes.

Suddenly the realization hit John with more force than when Karkat intensely pounded Dave's hamburger buns in the room beside his in the depths of the night.

" **Oh.** "

"So c-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cheese I guess?" John stuttered, was it hot on the entirety of LOMAX or was it just him right now? John then looked around and picked up a bottle of squeezable cheese, he leaned forward daring to administer it himself but Jake slapped him within milliseconds.

"Ew, what the hell lad? That'll take forever to clean out, plus it's very fattening. No. Just get some fresh cheddar mate," Jake scolded him.

John tried again, retrieved a block of cheese and handed it to Jake unsure what to do. Jake retrieved a cheese grater from his sylladex, John didn't question why he had this.

He just looked into Jake's eyes, and Jake looked back into his eyes.

John watched with widening eyes as Jake proceeded. Jake pulled the waistline of his banana hammock down slightly, leaving it up just enough to conceal his monstrous banana from John's sight.

As lettuce jut about and fell out from every opening, Jake began to grate the cheddar over the entire area. Getting some onto the ground around him, occasionally lifting up his waistband and sweeping some of the cheese grating onto his churro.

Jake briefly looked into John's eyes, John followed suit.

For a moment, John pondered if someone is always technically looking into their own eyes, he looked into his eyes. Jake did the same. Then they looked back into each other's once more.

Jake ridded himself of the grate and lay back, pushed up on his elbows. Presenting to Egbert. John parted his lips in a husky breath, unable to resist the treat before him.

Like an English 70's diner, but without the shitty music and everything else. Okay no, this was nothing like a 70's diner. John immediately threw that thought away, feeling as though it was disrespecting Jake's efforts greatly.

Jake stared at John, but John was still occupied staring at his cheddar coated crotch.

Jake became worried, John had been staring at his junk but not acting upon it for a bit longer than desired.

John was still pondering things he could compare this situation to, but he found nothing. This was just unheard of from his time. He wondered if all people from the future had such diverse sexual portfolios until Jake kicked him in the side.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jake snapped Britishly. John shot up and blushed at attention, "Shit I'm sorry!"

They looked into each others eyes confirming their next course of action before finally beginning. Jake's eyes begged, John's eyes were eager. Jake was the equivalent of a New Jersey cougar and John was his Fedex man.

John removed Jake's undergarment as instructed by Jake violently glaring at him and pointing to his junk. John had never seen someone else's naughty bits before, he knew this himself for sure because he mentally called them naughty bits. John leaned down slowly, then was abruptly grabbed by Jake with both hands and jammed into the all-American Cheeseburger dick-diner before him.

* * *

Dirk and Jane had been looking for Jake for the past hour after he had stolen all their chicken and cake, and flipped them a goodbye bird as he jaunted off. It didn't take them long to find their way onto LOMAX with Roxy's assistance. They headed through the fields angry and hungry, eventually they could see the banana boy in the distance.

Jane continued floating over to Jake while Dirk took a more furious and fast approach, bolting over to him through the air. He'd had lots of practice, from when literally no one gave a shit about maybe visiting him in the third ring for a few hours, to hone his flight speed skills.

He had still only landed once in that entire trip though so he was shit there. Dirk was immediately met with Jake's back, everything after was a cacophony of shouting, accents, and a viscera of lettuce and cheese for some reason.

When he righted himself he first pinpointed Jake's location so he new where to shout. "What the hell have you been fucking doing for the last hour!" He breathed heavily, still pissed off at lack of chicken and cake. Then he noted the copious amount of cheeseburger materials around Jake's exposed cock, as well as John's blushing presence.

"What? Going to whine when it's not even you I'm asking to eat the cheese off my meat?" Jake said casually to Dirk. Dirk vigilantly kept his deadpan in firm place, even without his glasses, having been tossed somewhere during the topple.

John stared at Dirk, Dirk stared at John and Jake, Jake stared at John, then John stared at Dirk and Jake, Jake stared at John and Dirk. They looked into each others eyes.

"Umm... no I... no." Dirk muttered out. Jake responded accordingly, agitated, and sassy, "You broke up with me over this okay? You're not allowed to complain, just leave. I've moved on, why haven't you?"

"What about brain ghost Dirk... I saw him bringing an entire cake to your room once..."

"That's... not the same... and also none of your business." Jake tossed his shoe at Dirk.

"Shit, fine. Enjoy your weird food fetish role play." Dirk responded agitatedly, glancing at Jake's cheese caked cock, then cringing before turning heel and absconding the fuck away.

Jane hovered over with a quizzical expression on her face that soon turned to one of concentration as she observed the delicate scene before her.

John went pale, Jake sat unmoving, the gentle breeze beginning to bother his still exposed genitals. "... whatever you're going to say, please just do it and then go do whatever else you had planned today." John said while shamefully covering his face with both hands.

"So... you made a cock cheeseburger." Jane said bluntly. "Yes. Precisely." Jake answered.

"Well, actually, in that case now I'm wondering how you boys would feel about cake?" Jane proposed. "We're kind of busy but we'd love some when we get back, that's very kind of you Janey."

"Huh? Oh no I meant like, cover John's dick in flour and sugar next and we go from there," Both the boys faces went blank.

Then, they looked into each other's eyes.

"Yes." John and Jake said in unison. The pact was made and the activities went on as planned.

* * *

Dirk sat alone, wondering where he and Jake would be now if only he had not resisted eating the sundae Jake made out of his phallic once during their courtship. He did not stir, but simply contemplated this alone at the frog disc.


End file.
